Friday, October 6, 2017

This is why you should be fine with being single

A friend of mine once told me that she feels a longing to be with someone. She has through all the ups and downs in life and how she eventually overcome the most painful feeling of having to let go a parent figure forever or struggle through the hardships of being economically independent yet there's still a void inside her unfulfilled, a significant other.

For 20 years of my life, I have lived without the craving of having being in a relationship. I've never actually feel the pressure or the need for it. Be it from factors such as peer or social pressure or the need to express these kind of stuff with somebody else. Yes, more often than not I got a little crushes over some boys. But most of the time it always end up as a mere crush. Almost all those experience happened from the airing mystery around the person I have a crush on, which in a way means I've never make the move to get to know them, or at least having the intention to make the move. I was in love in my own imagination and fantasies of what I expect from the person and not what's the person actually about.

At first I thought about myself as a cold-hearted bitch. What's wrong with me, right? Why can't I be somewhat normal? My friends love to make these kind of jokes on me. They teases me on being a lesbian. Me and my dumbass sense of humour only laugh about it and declared for being an asexual or how my orientation are mostly refers to different kinds of plants and fruits (weird af, i know). But then I tried to learn more about myself and I finally realised that this whole thing about restraining my attraction toward others and being un-romantic is some kind of self defense mechanism from the most underlying factor of not being able to love myself.

So let me spill the beans here, not being able to love yourself sucks so hard. You discounted your worth, act judgemental toward others mostly because you see yourself in those images of people that you think are bad. One time you feel highly of yourself, the other times you broke down crying for hating the way you are and the position that you're in. You feel as if you have lost control of yourself, and you can't predict the dynamics of emotions. I can't really represent my cases and generalised it for everyone because everybody has different backgrounds and been through various cases in their own life, but what I'm trying to tell you is there's a tendency where you would developed this really bad behaviour of making high expectations on yourself and then feels shitty for not having be able to meet them. Again, you're making up things that you should be through a series of illusions or expectations that probably(and in most cases) are not yours. You're being mean to yourself and unconsciously comparing yourself with others without even knowing that you don't have the same head start and in which everybody have their own pace of process in life. So you start making boundaries and try to live up with it. You said to yourself that you don't need a significant other to live or you are okay on to live alone forever because the happiness of life doesn't rely on having a partner--there are more important and exciting things in life and that's what you strive for! You force yourself to believe in those thoughts, because deep down--be honest, who would ever want to stay with you? That's impossible, you are not that precious.

But wait! There are worst thing than the first case that I mentioned above. The case of being in a relationship when you (STILL) can't love yourself. At first you will feel like you're in a bubble of happiness that goes over the moon, while the next and the rest of the other times you wonder why this person would ever and still keep up with you. You got clouded with unanswered questions that comes from your own insecurities. Your mind start making up conflicts that doesn't exist yet you believe that would probably and most likely to be happen. There will be times you got this ick from your partner's negative behaviour --but then, you suck it in and tolerated it since this is probably what you deserve and you will never get something better than this. The inferiority and the feeling of being so small, trapped in a circle of restless emotion that will go on and on and on and you will feel so dumb to ever let yourself get in this situation. The problem just doubled, the hate you have for yourself and the anxiety you have regarding your partner. If you, yourself can't find anything good in you, what does your partner sees? Is this a game? Am I a rebound? Does she/he using me? You will feel as if that this is just the basic logic of it and there's no possible explanations to ever think otherwise. All in all, just a toxic relationship based on dependentness, attachment for wanting to prove something, or at least validate it.

This is why you should be fine with being single.
Alone is not defined as being lonely. It's only humane to feel the need of a significant other especially because either you want it or not, that's just how the human body designed, we need interactions and yes, our biological needs will push us on doing something that might've seems not what our philosophical aspirations in this life, yet people are people, we are animals and you should be okay with it. This is parallel with what Aristotle explained about the non duality between the body and mind being what I find as a down to earth approach about human behaviour, in which we should feel no shame for our desires and needs to be wanted.

But to be loved doesn't always have to come with being in a relationship. When I look back to myself where I would stand on my judgement to be alone forever, I know I was defying the universe because I was waiting for someone to love me, a selfish and adoring kind of love. The cold and harsh truth is this, a true kind of love is a two way kind of action-reaction. A pure kind of love is so big and all around us, it will only lasts if you make an effort for it. It means, being open, starting it from yourself, giving back to the broken ones, to shut up and listen, not making opinions, judgement or anything. You will find an insight behind every individual, that we all somehow struggle with our own devil. There is a liberation feeling behind this fact, that you are never truly lonely. When you focus on opening your heart to those around you, you will find this relation so strong that you can root on to the problem of others.

Here are a few things that you should focus on instead of daydreaming and chasing for the love that you thought you selfishly deserve. Doing volunteer work. Personally I love teaching little kids. Spending time with them and listening their innocent comment and chatter makes my heart so full. Making them to understand when learning something is another greatness in life that I feel like I've achieved. There are always another new thing that I can reflect and gain happiness from. Next is focusing on your hobbies, or basically anything that you feel good at and can be proud for. You will lose yourself in this world of possibilities and even gain new friends along the way who have the same interest as you are. The other thing that you can start doing is taking care of your body. Be active, walk more often, eat your fruits and vegetables and drink a LOT of water. Believe me, that when you feel healthy your mind will be more positive and you will focused a lot with what you're going to do next and not on regretting the past or what not. Read lots of books, watch lots of movies, go to concerts, take on a tour to the museum, visit tourists attractions in your hometown, stuff! Keeping yourself in the dark will (and almost always) depressed you. Reach out to old friends, create new ones. Spend time with others, even with the ones that you're not really close with. The key is to shut up and take an interest to learn more about what others have to say-even if you don't like their opinions. It will always widen your insight even for a little bit.The key is, people tend to mirror their actions with others. So, when you're being open, they will do the same and vice versa. Therefore, why not be the one starting that positive vibe, right?

While all of this is going on, one day, the right person will be enchanted with the way you represent yourself. The things that you do, your kindness, your thoughts, all the goodness that you spread with others. After all, our inner beauty is the one that will never got old, right? Along with it, the kind of perpetual lovingness from something that is always new, a safe home for the one who really and truly deserve you for who you are--for the ability of having to love yourself comes from the love you have from others.

x, M.

Wednesday, September 13, 2017

looking for validation in all the wrong places

life is weird.
wait, no. human is weird.
we die alone, we live to be able to sustain our own lives alone, and die alone-yet somewhere in between those things we just can not be left alone. we destined to be communal, be in pair, go get ourselves a clique, tolerate each other, live among our own.
some managed to go along with this system, while the rest are limping around trying to fit in this wheel of life and aren't be able to because of their own fate of bodily constellations. either it's the matter on being the wrong place at the wrong time or just plain bad luck.
the odd ones, the queer, if they're fortunate they'll find someone whom as weird as they are, and even after that they have to face being gently or forcefully shunned from the moral holding majority just for their mere existence (e.g. a joke i found on the internet on how to kill yourself : be gay in Iran).

Thursday, March 23, 2017

the conversation in my head : emotion vs logic

1. it's okay, my life got boring these days. I feel pretty numb, maybe this time it will be different.
- you know you'll get your feelings hurt and depressed--why are you like this?

2. why am I tired, I'm not even doing anything.
- yes you did. you got invested with all this thoughts about that particular person, it drains energy. especially the fact that you're looking for some kind of justification from something that's uncertain.

3.  i think we have telephatic minds
- no, your mind just obsessing over this person every second of every day. it doesn't count.

4. do you know how much i think of throwing myself over a moving train? 2 times a day and 10 times a week.
- this suicidal jokes are not cool, i know you're stressed out--but try to keep it together.

5. why my friend getting so distant?
- you know the friend asks you on a lot of things. you're too individualistic and your friend wants to keep moving forward.

6. *lacks of motivation"
- look how everything goes past you. don't miss another opportunity, this one might be the main reason and a key to get away from everything and everyone for a while.

7. i don't think i can trust this person ever again.
- no you can not, but you will move on and you will focus on the rest good things that this person have.

8. i want to be less self-centered and just stop caring about other's opinion.
- you're progressing. keep it up.

9. i don't want to hear all my negative thoughts.
- that's why you run every morning and plug your ears with songs to tone down the voices in your head, and it's working.

10. why am i fail at anything?
- you're not even trying.

11. i am proud but also jealous for this person.
- it's fine you're allowed to be jealous for things that other people are good at, but remember that you also have your own platform in which only you can do better.

12. what if this person don't like me back and juggles me around with other individuals?
- your intent is unpure from the start, take that risk.

13. i can't stand all these "friends" in this place where am i at the most.
- i know you should look for new ones but in the meantime just put up with them. i know you hate most of their views, they can be shallow and seems to embrace bigotry. they are tacky, noisy, and irritating but in some ways they are good people. just one more year, nevertheless you have your one friend you can run into at times when you just can't stand them anymore. 

14. why can't i seem to focus on my studies?
- only 2 out of your 6 lecturers whose insightful and actually have new informations to be told, so it's not entirely your fault.

15. i am happy to be best friend with this person.
- and you should. this person have dreams, kind-hearted, friendly and actually acknowledge your friendship. you can tell your deepest secret without being judged and this person inspires you in lots of different things. 

Monday, October 10, 2016

poem draft

a poem draft I found on my notes from june 10th 2015


never notice
how the sky is so high
until tall buildings are being built

never notice 
when the air used to 
be clean
until dusty wheels hits
the roads

and now
grey grounds
grey sky
small space

time means money
never notice 
how it's fly
until it’s too late

your eyes half shut
and look !
sugar coated corpse
with a bitter

does the world have to be shattered
and crumbled 
bits to bits
until you
finally notice?

Tuesday, August 30, 2016


1. "eh lu gatau dia kan dulu atlit voli"
    "iya, tapi ga dibolehin lagi sama nyokap  hahaha"
    "ya iyalah masa cewek jadi atlit"

2. "jadi, cinta itu harus apa adanya, bukan ada apanya. amin? marilah kita bersatu dalam doa"

3. "kami menyarankan masa bimbingan untuk maba diperpanjang menjadi 1-2 bulan, karena banyak
     maba 2016 yang tidak respek terhadap seniornya"

4. "saya dulu sering lihat itu di amsterdam, orang gay berparade. astafiruloh, kiamat sudah dekat"

5. "temenin ke toilet. gamau sendiri, temenin dong"

6. "dia freak tau, suka ngomong sendiri"

7. "kayak orang freak anjing, jalan-jalan sendirian. macam gak punya temen"

8. "cari pacar dong"

9. "dia rada aneh sih kata gue, suka pake baju rada kecewek-cewekan gitu"

10. "indonesia tanpa pacaran. halalkan aku bang"

i'm so done.
nothing to do here,
lets just move to another planet.

Tuesday, July 26, 2016

i am a Wes-Anderson-number-1-fan kit


i made characters on POLYVORE

the thing about...

It took me over three years to feel distant enough from the loss of my mother to have the courage to begin this piece. Even after that amount of time passed it was still difficult at moments to face daily in the studio… It’s gone through seemingly endless changes, but finally as I was bringing it to a close my father—a person of 73 years who has seen plenty of loss and endured many challenges in this lifetime—presented this question: What is the best way to eat an elephant? Answer: One bite at a time.I believe I’ve finished the elephant, well at least this one. ”
Melanie Vote, ART(inter)March, 2016

  • is that it's very easy. Everybody can do it. There's no right or wrong, because in it we believe in the freedom of self expressions. On the other hand, art can also be very static (in a way it isn't deep enough)--if the creator itself haven't gotten much of the bittersweet of life. That's probably one of the main reason why those who had through so much are able to articulate a deeper and appreciative meaning towards the simplest of things, therefore gives more value onto their creations.

  • ...human is that we categorises things. This, happens to be the very basic of the current social construction of genders that many have been brought up as the current and trending polemic. So, first women produce babies and those are delicate things, since the baby comes out from a female therefore it's indirectly become "her" central responsibility to take care and knows what best for them. Same as your body or anything that belongs to you. You have a basic instinct on the sense of ownership that distinguish the way you treat whats yours and what's not. Back to the female-and-babies problem, since the main needs of babies are food, clean clothes, and neat environment, women tries to fulfil those tasks by doing in which today's society called as houseworks or domestic works. Then, somehow generations and generations of women who bears babies since the existence of human itself, are being categorised to certain things because their moms told them so and their mom's mom told them so--so on and so forth. So, anything that are sweet, delicate, beautiful and neat are what's "ladylike". 

  • ...male is not that they are all horny assholes. Human, same as the other earthlings in this planet of ours, are animals. What differs them a teeny bit to us is consciousness. Animals thinks to survive, human thinks to sustains, and to sustain the offsprings, the male human have natural response towards female physiques--what is the best type to carry their children. That's why breasts and wide hip (a.k.a bubble butt) are attractive. Those things are arousing and makes male wants to fuck. Then comes religion, which give ways on how to treat and act around fellow human. The fragmentation comes between animals who rapes at mating season to human who have intercourse after a consensual consent because human have wits and thoughts. Religion contributes to the fundamental of laws and rules that creates the basic human rights we have today. That's why raping is illegal and forcing women to wear fully closed attire to hide their goodies is also not right because of the previous reasons, consciousness to control your own self and the rights for women as a fellow human to wear whatever they want.