poem draft

a poem draft I found on my notes from june 10th 2015

TO GET NOTICE

never notice

how the sky is so high

until tall buildings are being built

never notice 

when the air used to 

be clean

until dusty wheels hits

the roads

and now

grey grounds

grey sky

small space

hey-

time means money

never notice 

how it's fly

until it’s too late

please,

your eyes half shut

open

and look !

sugar coated corpse

with a bitter

inner

center

darling,

does the world have to be shattered

and crumbled 

bits to bits

until you

finally notice?

#triggered

1. "eh lu gatau dia kan dulu atlit voli"
    "iya, tapi ga dibolehin lagi sama nyokap  hahaha"
    "ya iyalah masa cewek jadi atlit"

2. "jadi, cinta itu harus apa adanya, bukan ada apanya. amin? marilah kita bersatu dalam doa"

3. "kami menyarankan masa bimbingan untuk maba diperpanjang menjadi 1-2 bulan, karena banyak
     maba 2016 yang tidak respek terhadap seniornya"

4. "saya dulu sering lihat itu di amsterdam, orang gay berparade. astafiruloh, kiamat sudah dekat"

5. "temenin ke toilet. gamau sendiri, temenin dong"

6. "dia freak tau, suka ngomong sendiri"

7. "kayak orang freak anjing, jalan-jalan sendirian. macam gak punya temen"

8. "cari pacar dong"

9. "dia rada aneh sih kata gue, suka pake baju rada kecewek-cewekan gitu"

10. "indonesia tanpa pacaran. halalkan aku bang"

i'm so done.
nothing to do here,
lets just move to another planet.

i am a Wes-Anderson-number-1-fan kit

i made characters on POLYVORE

the thing about...

“It took me over three years to feel distant enough from the loss of my mother to have the courage to begin this piece. Even after that amount of time passed it was still difficult at moments to face daily in the studio… It’s gone through seemingly endless changes, but finally as I was bringing it to a close my father—a person of 73 years who has seen plenty of loss and endured many challenges in this lifetime—presented this question: What is the best way to eat an elephant? Answer: One bite at a time.I believe I’ve finished the elephant, well at least this one. ”
- Melanie Vote, ART(inter), March, 2016

• ...art is that it's very easy. Everybody can do it. There's no right or wrong, because in it we believe in the freedom of self expressions. On the other hand, art can also be very static (in a way it isn't deep enough)--if the creator itself haven't gotten much of the bittersweet of life. That's probably one of the main reason why those who had through so much are able to articulate a deeper and appreciative meaning towards the simplest of things, therefore gives more value onto their creations.

• ...human is that we categorises things. This, happens to be the very basic of the current social construction of genders that many have been brought up as the current and trending polemic. So, first women produce babies and those are delicate things, since the baby comes out from a female therefore it's indirectly become "her" central responsibility to take care and knows what best for them. Same as your body or anything that belongs to you. You have a basic instinct on the sense of ownership that distinguish the way you treat whats yours and what's not. Back to the female-and-babies problem, since the main needs of babies are food, clean clothes, and neat environment, women tries to fulfil those tasks by doing in which today's society called as houseworks or domestic works. Then, somehow generations and generations of women who bears babies since the existence of human itself, are being categorised to certain things because their moms told them so and their mom's mom told them so--so on and so forth. So, anything that are sweet, delicate, beautiful and neat are what's "ladylike". 

• ...male is not that they are all horny assholes. Human, same as the other earthlings in this planet of ours, are animals. What differs them a teeny bit to us is consciousness. Animals thinks to survive, human thinks to sustains, and to sustain the offsprings, the male human have natural response towards female physiques--what is the best type to carry their children. That's why breasts and wide hip (a.k.a bubble butt) are attractive. Those things are arousing and makes male wants to fuck. Then comes religion, which give ways on how to treat and act around fellow human. The fragmentation comes between animals who rapes at mating season to human who have intercourse after a consensual consent because human have wits and thoughts. Religion contributes to the fundamental of laws and rules that creates the basic human rights we have today. That's why raping is illegal and forcing women to wear fully closed attire to hide their goodies is also not right because of the previous reasons, consciousness to control your own self and the rights for women as a fellow human to wear whatever they want. 

thoughts

i feel very creative and need to go out to do something more.

rants

1. props for the people whom able to keep up their commitments on blogging, not just a random energy spike when you "feel like you want to", change everything to be cute and updated with your latest style but later forget about it, and the next 3-6 months open it again, hardcore cringe with the contents that you've created, delete again, update the layout, colors, logo, forget about it again, and so on and so forth. lingkaran setan.

2. journaling my ass. I only able to keep up with my journaling project until 1/4 of the book (ps. plus it's a very thin one) and cannot carry on because of laziness and all.
laziness and all.
LAZINESS. orang seperti saya lah yang jatuh miskin pas keluar dari rumah orangtua, yha

3. these days i tend to contemplate about the path of my life. why do i keep being the little fish in the big pond. i feel so unworthy with the fate in which ive been given. i don't think i fit in my uni, so many smart people and i dont feel smart at all. i've always been the over-achiever but in the context of dreams and goals (making it unrealistic), at the end the pressure from the consequences of my choice making me so stressed out, thinking im an idiot, believing im an idiot, accepting im and idiot, giving in for being an idiot. *sigh*

4. at my first semester in my uni i dont have many friends. at the third semester, i have many friends and end up chatting and forgetting my duty as a student, which is paying attention and listen. misery makes me focus to my self fulfillment and social life is the opposite, i dont know what im talking about

5. why am i very good at comprehending but so bad at defining. why am i very good with things purposed to myself rather for others? selfishness at its best.

6. because of rants #5 i end up spend my alone time in the library, reading books and taking naps. the library in my uni is frickin heaven, so many good books. i've reread all 7 Harry Potter books both in Indonesian and English (so 14?), Fatherland, The Green Mile, The Road, 3 of Albert Camus' work, 5 chickflicks, and more. currently reading Camus' compilation of notebooks from 1930'ish to -40? if i wasn't mistaken and starting the Lord of The Rings series. KAPAN BELAJARNYA

7. My english speaking ability (and writing) is bad and i should feel bad. (why do i join the UI''s MUN? mau mati. ambis2 bgt manusia di dalamnya)

8. every time i open the internet i always end up watching make up tutorials in youtube. it's like magic when i saw those girls from 0 to 100 real quick

8 is an odd number to end a list but whatever bye

Deep Thoughts, Long Road

/Naive/

everything is sugar coated

so unknowingly blinded

unveil the truth

that sticks and stones

they break your bones

also

words they're poison

 able to kill you inside

ever so slowly

but still-

you pretend it's okay

think it will get away

just squint your eyes really hard

 see it does not seems so bad

forever in a state

of your daydreaming comatose

you need 

someone to burn it down

flat to the ground

then you might finally can see

and have this vision with me

                     

Deep Thoughts, Long Road from mxndae on 8tracks Radio.