A friend of mine once told me that she feels a longing to be with someone. She has through all the ups and downs in life and how she eventually overcome the most painful feeling of having to let go a parent figure forever or struggle through the hardships of being economically independent yet there's still a void inside her unfulfilled, a significant other.
For 20 years of my life, I have lived without the craving of having being in a relationship. I've never actually feel the pressure or the need for it. Be it from factors such as peer or social pressure or the need to express these kind of stuff with somebody else. Yes, more often than not I got a little crushes over some boys. But most of the time it always end up as a mere crush. Almost all those experience happened from the airing mystery around the person I have a crush on, which in a way means I've never make the move to get to know them, or at least having the intention to make the move. I was in love in my own imagination and fantasies of what I expect from the person and not what's the person actually about.
At first I thought about myself as a cold-hearted bitch. What's wrong with me, right? Why can't I be somewhat normal? My friends love to make these kind of jokes on me. They teases me on being a lesbian. Me and my dumbass sense of humour only laugh about it and declared for being an asexual or how my orientation are mostly refers to different kinds of plants and fruits (weird af, i know). But then I tried to learn more about myself and I finally realised that this whole thing about restraining my attraction toward others and being un-romantic is some kind of self defense mechanism from the most underlying factor of not being able to love myself.
So let me spill the beans here, not being able to love yourself sucks so hard. You discounted your worth, act judgemental toward others mostly because you see yourself in those images of people that you think are bad. One time you feel highly of yourself, the other times you broke down crying for hating the way you are and the position that you're in. You feel as if you have lost control of yourself, and you can't predict the dynamics of emotions. I can't really represent my cases and generalised it for everyone because everybody has different backgrounds and been through various cases in their own life, but what I'm trying to tell you is there's a tendency where you would developed this really bad behaviour of making high expectations on yourself and then feels shitty for not having be able to meet them. Again, you're making up things that you should be through a series of illusions or expectations that probably(and in most cases) are not yours. You're being mean to yourself and unconsciously comparing yourself with others without even knowing that you don't have the same head start and in which everybody have their own pace of process in life. So you start making boundaries and try to live up with it. You said to yourself that you don't need a significant other to live or you are okay on to live alone forever because the happiness of life doesn't rely on having a partner--there are more important and exciting things in life and that's what you strive for! You force yourself to believe in those thoughts, because deep down--be honest, who would ever want to stay with you? That's impossible, you are not that precious.
But wait! There are worst thing than the first case that I mentioned above. The case of being in a relationship when you (STILL) can't love yourself. At first you will feel like you're in a bubble of happiness that goes over the moon, while the next and the rest of the other times you wonder why this person would ever and still keep up with you. You got clouded with unanswered questions that comes from your own insecurities. Your mind start making up conflicts that doesn't exist yet you believe that would probably and most likely to be happen. There will be times you got this ick from your partner's negative behaviour --but then, you suck it in and tolerated it since this is probably what you deserve and you will never get something better than this. The inferiority and the feeling of being so small, trapped in a circle of restless emotion that will go on and on and on and you will feel so dumb to ever let yourself get in this situation. The problem just doubled, the hate you have for yourself and the anxiety you have regarding your partner. If you, yourself can't find anything good in you, what does your partner sees? Is this a game? Am I a rebound? Does she/he using me? You will feel as if that this is just the basic logic of it and there's no possible explanations to ever think otherwise. All in all, just a toxic relationship based on dependentness, attachment for wanting to prove something, or at least validate it.
This is why you should be fine with being single.
Alone is not defined as being lonely. It's only humane to feel the need of a significant other especially because either you want it or not, that's just how the human body designed, we need interactions and yes, our biological needs will push us on doing something that might've seems not what our philosophical aspirations in this life, yet people are people, we are animals and you should be okay with it. This is parallel with what Aristotle explained about the non duality between the body and mind being what I find as a down to earth approach about human behaviour, in which we should feel no shame for our desires and needs to be wanted.
But to be loved doesn't always have to come with being in a relationship. When I look back to myself where I would stand on my judgement to be alone forever, I know I was defying the universe because I was waiting for someone to love me, a selfish and adoring kind of love. The cold and harsh truth is this, a true kind of love is a two way kind of action-reaction. A pure kind of love is so big and all around us, it will only lasts if you make an effort for it. It means, being open, starting it from yourself, giving back to the broken ones, to shut up and listen, not making opinions, judgement or anything. You will find an insight behind every individual, that we all somehow struggle with our own devil. There is a liberation feeling behind this fact, that you are never truly lonely. When you focus on opening your heart to those around you, you will find this relation so strong that you can root on to the problem of others.
Here are a few things that you should focus on instead of daydreaming and chasing for the love that you thought you selfishly deserve. Doing volunteer work. Personally I love teaching little kids. Spending time with them and listening their innocent comment and chatter makes my heart so full. Making them to understand when learning something is another greatness in life that I feel like I've achieved. There are always another new thing that I can reflect and gain happiness from. Next is focusing on your hobbies, or basically anything that you feel good at and can be proud for. You will lose yourself in this world of possibilities and even gain new friends along the way who have the same interest as you are. The other thing that you can start doing is taking care of your body. Be active, walk more often, eat your fruits and vegetables and drink a LOT of water. Believe me, that when you feel healthy your mind will be more positive and you will focused a lot with what you're going to do next and not on regretting the past or what not. Read lots of books, watch lots of movies, go to concerts, take on a tour to the museum, visit tourists attractions in your hometown, just...do stuff! Keeping yourself in the dark will (and almost always) depressed you. Reach out to old friends, create new ones. Spend time with others, even with the ones that you're not really close with. The key is to shut up and take an interest to learn more about what others have to say-even if you don't like their opinions. It will always widen your insight even for a little bit.The key is, people tend to mirror their actions with others. So, when you're being open, they will do the same and vice versa. Therefore, why not be the one starting that positive vibe, right?
While all of this is going on, one day, the right person will be enchanted with the way you represent yourself. The things that you do, your kindness, your thoughts, all the goodness that you spread with others. After all, our inner beauty is the one that will never got old, right? Along with it, the kind of perpetual lovingness from something that is always new, a safe home for the one who really and truly deserve you for who you are--for the ability of having to love yourself comes from the love you have from others.
x, M.
